This is a deceptively simple concept that affects much of our lives. It explains that from a distance, or with people we don’t know well (and we may not know many people well) everyone seems psychologically intact, or “normal”.

Until you know people well, they will not tend to display their abnormalities, or neuroses.

Well, ya, it’s kind of obvious. But we forget. We tend to think that others are better off than we are, because a) we have access to our own inner turmoil, and b) we do NOT have access to the internal emotional turmoil of others.

Here’s a Practical Implication

When I used to train teachers, instructors and public speakers, my “students” often worried about their nerves and that the audience would know how terrified they were. They would do practice sessions, and STILL believe that the audience noticed their terror. And, they believed that the other students were quite calm when they practiced.

The reason was, as above, the students accessed their own internal fears, while not being able to access the fears of others. The result was an impediment to learning.

Interestingly enough, I was able to teach them to get past the idea that the audience would sense their terror, by doing a video playback of their practice, coupled with some careful questioning. When I played the segments back, I asked the student to point out the parts that gave away nervousness. Often the could not.

Coupled with an explanation of: From 20 feet away everyone seems normal, they were able to realize that, for the most part, they all shared some nervousness pretty equally, and that the audience never knew.

Or as the rabbi said to me as a 13 year old. “Son, if you forget the words, or the tune just keep going because nobody but you and I are going to know, and I’m not telling.” Oy vey.