It’s been a decade since I wrote Conflict Prevention In The Workplace – Using Cooperative Communication. Who would believe that still, when it comes to conflict, the old standards of conflict management and conflict resolution still dominate the conflict field, while the idea of preventing unnecessary conflict in the first place is almost never mentioned.
It’s passing strange. It’s clear that once a conflict gets going, it’s much harder to put the brakes on, so why not work as hard at eliminating conflict in the first place, particularly since so much of the really destructive conflicts between people are really not about issues, per se, but about how each of the parties interacts with each other.
What’s so surprising is that it is not difficult to change how we use language to reduce unnecessary conflict, and it’s quite easy to teach the skills needed.
In my book I outline the phrases and language that is inflamatory and explain how each of these phrases can be replaced by words that are not inflamatory. Hence the term “cooperative communication”.
In any event, it puzzles me. So, do you have a comment about why the idea of preventing unnecessary conflict (which is different than conflict avoidance) is so foreign to people?
I don’t get it.
Give someone a case or scenario in which conflict takes place; how likely are they to recognize whether the conflict is necessary or not? It may be a problem of recognition.
In the heat of the moment, we probably don’t recognize much, since we get caught up in emotion. But it also seems to me we can learn and teach the ability to recognize when a conflict is a result of tangential things, rather than the actual issue. How many times have you seen an argument that so quickly escalates and ends up focusing on HOW the argument is being conducted, so nobody listens, and the original issue is almost forgotten?
So, it’s about preventing conflict and preventing the ESCALATION of conflict, yes?
So we can deal with the issue cleanly?
Conflict happens. Sometimes it’s not preventable. At worst, avoided conflict results in worse conflict than a confrontation would have created.
I don’t think we should be treating conflict with avoidance or prevention. It’s always there on a graduated scale.
Dealing with conflict is what we should be treating. Clarifying that it’s usually possible to prevent conflict from stepping upwards in intensity should be a priority. As Milan states, recognition is important to defusing conflict.
I also think that mapping out expectations and having the confidence (possibly alacrity) to resolve conflict as a problem are important.
One of the things I think causes conflict is a low threshold for what ‘bad’ is. In these cases a well developed perspective is key.
We’re always gonna have conflict. Can’t get around it. The conflict isn’t the problem, it’s how we deal with it that is the problem.
Steve, do you see avoiding conflict as the same as preventing it?
I think of it a bit differently, and I suspect seeing them as the same is one reason why being proactive preventers of conflict is so not talked about?
Doesn’t this look a little bit like, say, paying as much attention to a) living healthily so as to avoid diabetes as to b) curing it?
I wonder what various social and medical movements to promote healthy living tell us about how to shift our thinking from managing conflict to preventing it.
I think it is the same kind of thing. I’m just wondering why the idea of preventing unnecessary interaction based conflict is so rarely mentioned in the conflict discussions, or at least that is how it seems to me.
Maybe it’s just a difference in naming.
To be blunt, it seems kind of obvious that we should at least be talking about how not to piss people off in the first place.
I worked a little more on explaining what I’m trying to say about conflict prevention. I’d appreciate any comments on whether I have written a clearer message on the topic. The link is actually to a book description page, but I’m not hustling for your business. Just interested in clarity, absent or not?
http://busylearners.com/products/i-coop.htm
It is clearer than I remember it being before.
Thanks, Milan. I’m dead tired so I’ll leave it for now. BTW, I’m still not sure how long I’ll be here. I’ll call if I have any free time, but I’m putting my nose to the grindstone while I’m here.