The Curmudgeonly Trainer

(Part of a conversation of emotional abuse, at home and at work, and why people stay…

Chris, these are obviously sensitive topics, so I’m going to comment (and also disagree with you on something), and I’m trying to do it without causing emotional or intellectual offense.

I’d appreciate it if people read my WHOLE message before replying.

I should tell you that I’ve been working in the area of verbal abuse (and potential physical abuse) in workplaces for some 15 years.

On 18 Aug 2006 at 1:44, Chris Kloth wrote:

> What I am most struck by is profound lack of empathy in these posts.  As
> we make glib connections between how people stay trapped in violent
> relationships (and staying in bad jobs) and change management (which I
> have at times been known to do), I hope that we also take note of the
> physical and emotional pain that victims/survivors experience and that
> we avoid implicitly blaming the victim or, worse, making the victim
> invisible by limiting our language to intellectual or academic concepts.

I’ve been around victims/surviviors for many years, and been around, and I’ve even debated online Patricia Evans around the time her first book came out.

The issue I have is that often in the process of concern over not blaming the victim, many people, authors and professionals do a huge dis-service to targets of abuse, because by removing all responsibility for change from the victim, one also DISEMPOWERS the victim. When empathy for pain stands in for empowering people to remove the pain (to the extent that is possible) we have tragic lose.

Personally I think that Patricia Evans, and the phobia about blaming victims is one of the biggest tragic positions taken in the field (as opposed to say, the works of Suzette Haden-Elgin) In the process of EMPOWERING people (in groups, individually) you HAVE to focus on the issue of who controls what, and who is ultimately responsible for the present and the future.

And, ultimately, it may be that people must grow to understand that often they ARE contributors to their own situations (not blameable, just contributors). Understanding that one is both a contributor, and that one can change one’s contributions is a HUGE mental step that opens the door for empowerment, and helping people find the wherewithal to remove themselves from toxic situations.

You simply can’t move people out of victimhood unless they understand that regardless of the past, it is THEY and ONLY they that can change their futures.

That process often sounds like “blaming the victim”, when it is simply recognizing some simple dynamics of life.

> I hope when people talk with their clients about how these perspectives
> might help understand how people react to change in organizations that
> they also consider the possibility that their reactions to change at
> work may be intertwined with or exacerbated by other sources of real
> pain in their lives.

I doubt anyone could disagree with this. Except for one practicality in working with such people, and that is that one’s mandate and expertise is likely NOT going to be one of offering therapy, or real help that addresses the “other sources of pain”. I’ve been in some of these kinds of situations (inadvertently), and even though I do have some therapeutic education, it was clear I had to refer.

But for those who think that
> politics and social justice are not the stuff of OD, a growing number of
> employers are recognizing the impact of family and intimate partner
> violence, as well as sexual assault, on the workplace and in the workplace.

Certainly so. I’ve worked with many companies in related areas, and have talked about the very real concerns companies are having about workplace violence that is related to family/intimate partner issues.

Sadly, they are having to look at it because it’s jumping up loudly in front of them.

I have one other comment which bridges a bit between the issues of blame, responsibility, accountability and empowerment generally.

We really have moved into an era of absolution of blame and responsibility for one’s own life, while pointing and blaming at others, companies, politics, the world.

The reality is that in relationships, work situations, etc, where there is a problem, I doubt I have EVER seen a situation where both people have NOT contributed to that problem (however unevenly).

However, the barrier to extracting oneself, or mitigating the effects is that by saying “I didn’t do nuttin to cause this”, the corrolary is “there’s nothing I can do to fix this for myself”.

We need to lose the issue of blame ALTOGETHER, and look to empowerment which is based not on some bogus ideology to protect a victim, but empowerment that recognizes the power of choice — both
in contributing to a situation where a person may fall victim, and creating a solution for oneself.

Unfortunately, I believe we’ve gone backwards, since I’ve been in the field.